How Evil Owl Would Love to Respond to his Customers
I HATE it when the phone isn't near the computer. I wasn't in the best mood when I wrote this.
Caller - I need help in Microsoft Word Me - Ok, where are you now
Caller - In the living room Me - No Einstein, where are you in the computer Caller - The computer?? It's in the Den.... Why?? Me - Oh no - don't tell me - the phone doesn't reach, right?? Caller - No, it doesn't. Is that a problem Me - Well, yea, it is. You're probably going to shout my instructions to Bettie Lou in the other room Caller - how did you know her name was Bettie Lou??? Me - it's a gift. Now, I'm assuming, impossible as this may seem, that Bettie Lou is dumber than you Caller - Well, kinda.... we're simple people. Me - super - dumb and dumber. Listen, this is 1998 - has the concept of a cordless phone somehow passed you by?? Cause I'll tell ya, I refuse to work this way. I quite doing relay races in the seventh grade. Lemme ask you, did you make it to seventh grade??
Feel my wrath, Mel
Owl - Tech Support - can I help you? Caller - hey there - I've got my friend MEL on the line with us. He's a computer expert. He'll tell you what's wrong - you there, Mel?? Owl - Wait, hang on a sec. I have a few questions. So, Mel, are you that friend everyone has who's a "computer genious". Mel - ummmm, yeah.....I suppose. Owl - But in reality, you know very little, right? Mel - ummm, uh Owl - And you make everything you touch worse, correct Mel - well, once I fixed the toaster, but that was.. Owl - and I can see how that qualifies you to work on computers. Mel, why do you do this??? Do you think it will make you more attractive to women.. Mel - well, I always wanted to be a computer guy - you guys are so cool - wait... "RAM, MOTHERBOARD, HARD DRIVE" see - I can do it..... Owl - Mel, I think you should leave the computer stuff to me, and stick to selling shoes, ok? Mel - How did you know I sold shoes???
I've always wanted to do this
Caller: (after a long tirade with me) "You're not very helpful - let me speak to your manager" Me: "Certainly, hold on.... (deepens voice) Manager speaking, can I help you??" Caller: "Yes, your tech was very rude to me" Me (manager): I'm sorry about that sir, but it's because you're an asshole" Caller: "what??" Me (manager): "Yes, I heard the whole conversation. I'm surprised my tech didn't call you the dick you are." Caller:"Are you saying I'm difficult?" Me (manager): No, I'm saying you're a complete asshole - Please say you're sorry to the nice tech" Caller: (meekly) ok....
